Dear reader,
The idea for this project was inspired by the way I relate my own gender to the world.
As a kid, I was often made fun of for being “too masculine”—too tall, too aggressive, too many “boy hobbies.” It got to the point where I was name-called in bathrooms, and there was even a rumor that I had a penis.
Eventually, I adopted a “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mentality and made those same jokes about myself. I joked that I was a she-he, that I did in fact have a penis, that no one could really tell if I acted like a boy or a girl. Though I repeated the same jokes, what had once earned laughter now earned disgust.
It was acceptable to joke that I lived outside the gender binary, but my acceptance of that as my identity was unthinkable. Seeing myself as outside female gender roles somehow made everything worse.
The box constricted around me, punishing me for not being “ladylike” enough. But when I tried to exit the box, the walls stretched infinitely, making escape impossible.
That’s how I’ve come to understand the relationship between my gender and the world around it, and how societal norms enforce boundaries that can feel inescapable.
- Anna
Dear reader,
I never felt that I performed femininity in a way that was societally expected of me. It never came naturally to me the way it seemed to for others, and I never had an affinity with it. I had never felt comfortable like that in my own body and, from a young age, deeply hated skirts and other typically feminine clothing.
On the other hand, I never felt like I could adequately perform masculinity in a way that made me feel and identify as a man. I felt like exploring masculinity would give me more of a sense of gender agency and comfort in my own identity. While I do feel more comfortable being masculine presenting, I couldn’t fully “perform” in that way either. I was never “masculine enough.” I realized that being comfortable in my body and my gender means existing outside of the gender binary. I don’t need to “be” either gender to be comfortable in myself.
Additionally, as a lesbian, I knew that my expression of masculinity would never align with patriarchal standards. As a lesbian, I inherently exist outside the male gaze and refuse to adhere to it. In this, I think it’s important that we give ourselves the space to express gender freely and fluidly.
- Ari